Dear K,

May. 1st, 2012 10:57 am
tuzemi: (Default)
[personal profile] tuzemi posting in [community profile] dear_you
Dear K______,

How have you been?

Last night I had trouble sleeping, so I got up and did my normal online thing. For whatever reason I threw your name in Google and got a lot more than I've seen in a long time. It looks like you bought the shop a few years ago and had some people really excited, even had a blog up at that time. But the shop is back in the original owners' hands, your blog is gone, and only a MySpace page remains. The profile pic is obscured, but it sure looks like it could be you.

It's been ten years since we talked. My impression of that last conversation was the ball was in your court and the next call would be yours to make. I suppose that you decided you didn't want to make that call. I can't really blame you though. It was obvious we were communicating past each other and there wasn't much good to look forward to. It felt pretty final. I think (I hope) I said you were really neat and that I honestly hoped for the best for you.

So why do I still occasionally hit The Google for you? Part of me still misses that one good year I guess. It was awesome watching this lovely young woman that you were growing more independent. It was terrible feeling so strongly for you yet knowing it would never happen. It was horrifying how quickly money and poverty and psychological recovery for both of us whirled around and enabled my co-dependency. I think you had friends on your side saying I only wanted the same thing all straight young men want. I know I had friends on my side saying you were never really interested in me as a friend.

At the time I felt like both everything and nothing was true. Today, I still do. I miss you, sometimes. Late night coffee and smokes, just two broke people being ground down in their own lives. Beauty in the dark kind of stuff. Depression can be stark and lovely and powerful at 3am. Other times I'm very glad it's been ten years. Depression is still depression after all. I was so messed up then and we fed on each other in a bad way. If I went back there I'd lose my job and you'd lose your emotional health. Wiser people know that forgiving people only helps the forgiver and not the forgiven. I'm not sure who would need it more between us.

Mainly I think I just wonder. Really, why did you never find me? I understand R____, and H___, and C_____, and the many others back there: I entered and left their lives as a ghost. But you, I thought we had really connected somewhere along the way. You had argued with your other friends over the years but kept bringing them back in close, yet you let me leave as soon as it was reasonable to do so. Or did I screw up, was the ball really in my court all along?

But really, how have you been? Did you ever have the children you talked about? Are you still happily married to M? What was the story of the shop? What tattoos did you add? Have you been able to travel much? Have you taken any classes, got an A.A. or B.A.? Did your roommate ever get his big break? How about your ex? Is she doing OK? Her baby should almost be in junior high soon.

I know I could get you on the phone this afternoon and hear your voice again. I won't though, it will just be this letter to the void.

Kind regards,

K_____

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